


crab fic

by silkentofu



Category: BTOB
Genre: BTOB - Freeform, Can you hear me, I dont know what the fuck is this, Just read, Other, ilhoon, im screaming, this is just one big meme
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-30 08:18:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17825186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silkentofu/pseuds/silkentofu
Summary: inspired by the crab head dress punishment in ilhoon's guesting in after mom is asleep(basically, he ate his pet crab)





	crab fic

**Author's Note:**

> hmffffffffffffffff sorry to everyone this is like.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, a mess nd i didnt take it seriously

**jung ilhoon was only 8-years old** when he decided that he wanted a crab head dress.

he made a big fuss about it when he saw it at the store and his mom refused to buy it for him. after almost a week of pouting and throwing tantrums, ilhoon's mom finally cracked and bought it for him.

he went "yeet!" after getting his hands on the head dress. he wore it everywhere he went: at school, at the park, at his friends' houses- no one cared. he loved it so much that no one dared to deprive him of such happiness (lmao). 

because of this, ilhoon's obsession over crabs started. 

* * *

**18 years later, ilhoon is still obsessed with crabs** (although he likes to think he's not THAT into them anymore). in a span of 18 years, he has learned the different kinds of crabs, went to crab exhibits, and even has his own fiddler crab which he loves dearly.

it's worth mentioning that the crab's name is "shelly" - ilhoon thinks he's the funniest guy to ever walk the earth (he's not). he's had shelly for over 5 years and she's been loved and cared for. she's well-fed with shrimps, lives in the fanciest aquarium, and... that's it, really.

now though, ilhoon was fired from his work. after accidentally spilling coffee on the fax machine, breaking the coffee machine itself, caught taking home a bunch of copy papers (says that they have way too many papers and that the company should share some), smoking cigarettes in the break room, caught using the office computer to watch crab videos, ruined the company team building by being super competitive, taking way too long at the bathroom because he's taking selfies, and the last straw: went to work wearing his crab head dress (he said it was because he was celebrating world's crabs day - if that even existed). 

after surviving from his last salary before getting fired, ilhoon is now bankrupt.

"shelly, i'm bankrupt," ilhoon said while looking at the fiddler crab inside the aquarium, "and i'm hungry." shelly did not respond - _obviously_ , ilhoon thought. _she's a crab, dumbass. this is why i hate myself sometimes._

"what do you think i should do?" no response. "should i sell you?" no response, again. ilhoon pretends that shelly did, though, "just kidding..... obviously." he was really considering it. his love for crabs was temporarily blinded by hunger. 

"i don't want to call mom, she'll just scold me for being dumb. which is true... i should have never brought that stupid head dress," he stands up, walks towards his couch and then sits down. he thinks about what he said, "actually you know what, the dumb one here is my boss. who the fuck gets angry over head dresses? jesus christ, he's overtly sensitive. i feel sorry for his wife." he goes on in rage, "i hope he chokes right now. it's his loss, i was the best worker there. now? he has nothing. zilch. nada. all because he's dumb. i bet his dick is small. it's obvious. and one time, i walked in on him dancing to fucking gangnam style. he's so fucking lame, gangnam style is out of trend. didn't even tried to dance to fucking i don't know, nae nae? fuck him, honestly." 

after his short rant, his mind was clear again and the hunger comes back. he doesn't want to use his remaining money to buy food. he thinks he can use it for something more meaningful (he's actually just really stingy). 

"shelly.................. i'm really hungry."

* * *

 

**Step 1. Boil water in a large pot. Put in enough salt for it to taste like salty seawater.**

ilhoon was fucking crying. _why the fuck am i crying?_   he asked himself.  _it's no big deal, i'm just out here cooking a crab... a crab that i fucking took care of for 5 years. i'm gonna fucking lose my mind._

**Step 2. Add the crabs quickly. Bring back the water to a boil and wait until the crabs float. This will happen for 10-15 minutes or so.**

"i am going to hell for this," ilhoon said to no one in particular. he picked up shelly and said, "i'm sorry, shelly... you do not deserve this. i hope in your next life, you will become a pet to a rich person so you won't have to die like this... just know that i love you. and that i spent a shit ton of money just to feed you." 

**Step 3. Use tongs to remove the crabs. Let them cool before serving.**

ilhoon watched as shelly slowly floated and turned more orange than she ever has. wiping his tears, he reached for the tongs and took shelly out. he can't believe he's about to cook the crab he thought he loved just 50 minutes ago.  _wow this is kind of wild if you really think about it lmao im braver than the us marines_ ilhoon thought while staring at the now dead shelly.

**Step 4. Enjoy and serve with other dishes you enjoy.**

even after breaking the shell, he's still crying. he can't believe this. taking a bite of the crab meat, he chokes. shelly tastes so good...................... which makes him cry harder because,  _why didn't i think of this sooner?_ _am i a bad person? shelly........... i love you..............._   _thank you for tasting THIS good........................... i'm like TT............._

that night, ilhoon had nightmares of a gigantic crab eating him.

__

* * *

two days later, ilhoon suffered diarrhea, stomach pains, vomiting, and fever. as it turns out, shelly carried a virus that made him sick. from that day on, ilhoon never thought about crabs again. the sad ending is that he burned his crab head dress the end <3 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> hhhhhhhhhhhhh yes the ending was rushed 
> 
> dont hate me bye thanks -symonne


End file.
